American Riviera Orchard by Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex
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Hello and welcome to Gossip Time, a weekly guide to the stars by Allie Jones. This week: a Princess goes missing, a Duchess launches a brand, and Hilary Duff’s husband gets a vasectomy.
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It is not hyperbole to say the British monarchy is in crisis. King Charles has cancer, Prince William is ditching events left and right, and Kate Middleton — well. What is going on with the Princess of Wales? I am inclined to believe the Palace when they say she is recovering from a planned abdominal surgery, but they have completely fucked the PR on this. Everyone on TikTok is screaming about Will’s alleged mistress from five years ago and insisting that Kate’s “doing a Gone Girl” (as if). The AFP has declared that the Palace is no longer a “trusted source” after the Mother’s Day Photoshop fiasco. And out of these ruins comes the most spectacularly timed brand announcement in the history of high-priced home goods:
AMERICAN RIVIERA ORCHARD BY MEGHAN, THE DUCHESS OF SUSSEX (MONTECITO).
Flawless. Our girl has done it again.
Ms. Meghan Markle launched the brand yesterday on Instagram with a full grid update, like she’s Kylie Jenner in 2018 or something:
She did not release any additional details about the brand, but she did post a 15-second video to her story that shows her arranging flowers, baking, and flitting around her property in a ballgown set to “I Wish You Love” by Nancy Wilson. It’s all a bit reminiscent of Blake Lively’s failed 2014 lifestyle blog Preserve, although in this case, the inspiration is the central California coast, not the antebellum South (thank God). “American Riviera” refers to Santa Barbara, obviously; “Orchard” seems superfluous, but so is this whole endeavor. I’m already signed up for whatever it is. You can see the video in the third slide below:
According to a trademark application that was filed in early February, Meg is seeking trademark approval for a variety of goods including “Jellies, jams; marmalades; fruit preserves; edible oils and fats, and preserves; Vegetable-based spreads; Legume-based spreads; Nut-based spreads; Garlic-based spreads; Sesame-based spreads; Dairy-based spreads; Nut butters; Fruit butters.” The application also covers cookbooks, tableware, and — oh shit — a brick-and-mortar retail location where one could presumably buy these items. GIRLS TRIP??!!??
The timing of the announcement is comical given everything that’s going on back in England, but it is also significant to the Sussexes, as yesterday was the four-year anniversary of the couple’s “freedom flight” from Canada to Montecito after leaving their jobs as working royals. Wow! It only took Meghan four years to bring back The Tig.
Will this venture be successful? History tells us no, but my heart says I will buy a $27 jar of American Riviera Orchard by Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex apple butter as soon as this thing is up and running. Maybe they’ll find Kate by then too.
More good news: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are in their nesting era while taking a break from their busy careers. Read it and weep:
According to Us Weekly’s source, the pop star and the tight end are “focused on rest and recuperation and relaxing at home and having low-key and chill time together. They are enjoying movie nights in her home theater, catching up on films and shows they’ve missed.”
It is very chill and low-key to have a movie theater in your home, that’s true. Funny that this story is coming to us the very same day we can stream Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour (Taylor’s Version) in the comfort of our own homes on Disney Plus!
STUFF BY HILARY DUFF: Hilary Duff’s husband got a vasectomy this week. Okay.
Finally, I will leave you with these photos of Bradley Cooper and Gigi Hadid kissing in public for the first time at Antoni Porowski’s 40th birthday dinner at Via Carota (duh):
I guess love is real after all.
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Bradley Cooper “shares” a kiss the way I share my pb m and ms, which is to say not at all and I don’t.
American Riviera Orchard is just too many syllables